Episode 148 - Ask Better Questions
Explore the limitations of binary questioning like "Can this work?" or "Am I good enough?" and unlock the power of curiosity in problem-solving. Join me in this episode as we delve into the transformative impact of asking open-ended questions. Learn practical strategies to foster curiosity and proactive thinking, paving the way for innovative solutions. Tune in now to broaden your perspective and unleash your creative potential.
Topics
all-or-nothing thinking: Exploring how binary questions can limit decision-making and perspective.
Asking questions that encourage creativity and problem-solving.
Examples of reframing yes or no questions.
Defying conventional expectations and following your inner calling.
Links
👉 Ready to stand by what's in your core and pursue your richest life? Book a Discovery Call! 👈
Recommendations from this episode:
🎞️Movie: Nyad (2023)
🎙️Podcast: Episode 147 of the Self Growth Nerds Podcast
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm so good.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:43]:
It's all white outside, and I'm settling into December with, the mood of a hibernating animal. We're all animals, so I think it's normal for us to wanna sleep more and do less this time of year, and we should embrace it instead of shame ourselves for it like many of us tend to do. Okay. So today, we're gonna talk about asking ourselves better questions and how we have to be careful of our binary ways of thinking. One of the first things that my therapist told me When I started seeing her, like, 6 or 7 years ago was that I did a lot of all or nothing thinking, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in that. I've gotten much better over time, and I wanna give you A few pointers so that you can notice because I think we just don't see it. We're so used to asking ourselves binary questions that we don't see how it limits our lives. So I'm gonna give you a bunch of examples.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:52]:
But before we jump in, I Wanna remind you that I have spots open for clients starting in January 2024 going all the way to the end of April. So it's 4 months of intensive one on one. I'll just Give you a few examples of what I worked on with my clients this fall so you get a sense of whether this could help you. So I had 2 clients, for example, leave their marriage, so I supported them through that To make sure they felt confident in their decision, make sure they take care of themselves, and work together on crafting their vision for the future now that they're entering this new chapter. What do they wanna prioritize and what do they want to create. It's been really beautiful to watch their progress, see them get back to themselves, and discover what they really want now. I've also helped clients finally show up for their business or their art practice, either promoting the services that they had been keeping quiet about or finally creating the podcast that It was in their heart that they were too scared to put out there. I've helped clients ask for raises, apply for new jobs, And, generally, it's about advocating for yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:17]:
And instead of feeling confused or ashamed of what you want, going after it wholeheartedly instead of constantly second guessing yourself and doubting about doubting what you should do and whether or not you're doing it right. It's about strengthening your self trust so that you can move forward with more lightheartedness. And instead of wasting your energy feeling worried, channeling that energy into taking bold, confident action. Speaking of which, I also have 2 clients who decided to through hike the Pacific Crest Trail this coming April. So shout out to you. You know who you are, and I'm so happy for you that you're finally going after This big dream that you had been considering for a long time, it's going to change your life. And if you're listening to this and you also have a dream that you're like, maybe one day, I suggest we bring that one day closer. I suggest we collapse time.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:24]:
And instead of waiting for you to be, like, retired before you write your book. Why not write your book now? Instead of waiting until the the kids have left the house To prioritize your passion, why not start doing it now? Instead of waiting until you have enough time, energy, or or money in order to change career. I suggest we start looking at that possibility now. And I'm never gonna push you to do anything reckless like quit your job tomorrow. Not at all. This work is all about reconnecting to your true self and giving them more and more space in your life because you have no idea what it will do for you for how alive you feel inside when you start taking your, inner whispers seriously, When you stop ignoring your calling, when you start making space for What you are drawn towards in your day to day life instead of thinking you'll you'll focus on on that later. No. So if this resonates with you, go to self growth nerds.com/audacity, and you'll be able to book a call.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:44]:
The call is free, and there's no strings attached. We're just gonna talk, and I'm gonna tell you if I think it can help how how it works, and you'll be able to decide if that's what you need. And I called it the audacity because I wanna lead the sort of life where every year, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, okay. I have really lived. I got my hands dirty. I tried a bunch of things. Yes. Sometimes I failed, but I learned a lot.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:13]:
I have rich experiences. I have deep friendships. I make an impact. I don't hide. I don't stay small. I go all in. I have no regrets. And if that's Something that's important for you as well, but you feel like that's not something you are embodying right now, then let's work together.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:34]:
Audacity is basically a synonym of courage, and courage means to stand by what's in your core, to listen to what's in there, and act on it even if you're scared. That's that's the way I wanna lead my life, and that's the kind of people I wanna work with. Okay. Today, we're gonna look at a bunch of questions that you might ask yourself and reframe them so that they're more open and lead to more creative problem solving. 1st example, you might hesitate between 2 options. Should I do this or should I do that? Should I stay at this job that I hate or should I apply for another one, Go through all the the hassle and risks being just as dissatisfied in this other job. See how this seems like there's just 2 options that are not so good when in reality, there's So many more possibilities that we forget to consider. Instead instead, I suggest you ask yourself the question, What are all the possibilities here? And if helps you, you can ask yourself, what are 10 different possibilities here? That's gonna get your creative juices flowing, and you'll come up with other ideas.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:56]:
What happens when I work We're a client, and they see 2 2 options only is I might suggest, okay. Well, What about going back to school, for example? And what's gonna happen then is they go, oh, no. No. No. I can't do that. I don't have the time. I don't have the money. They start with the reasons why that cannot work, but that keeps you from seeing the ways in which it could work.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:23]:
For example, my sister just did a master's in Denmark, which was all paid for. She applied for a scholarship. They paid for her fees, and they paid for her living expenses. But you're not going to look into These amazing opportunities if you shut your ideas down right away. You might also shut yourself down with thoughts like, oh, I can't do this. What are people gonna People are gonna think I'm lazy. People are gonna think I'm irresponsible. No.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:54]:
I wanna encourage you to create a space of maybe. Maybe I could. What if I could? And that's kind of like, a greenhouse for your ideas to start growing where you're not allowed to shut them down. You don't have to tell anyone about them. Let's say you're considering going back to school or changing career. You don't have to take action on that right away, but just consider it as a possibility and and and see where it might go, where your brain might take this idea if you Give it a chance to exist in your imagination, in this in this greenhouse of possibility. Okay? So this was question number 1. Should I do this, or should I do that? We wanna transform that with what are the 10 or 15 Possibilities here.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:56]:
K? Open it up. Explode it. Question number 2, can this work or not? Yes or no question. It's an awful question. Let's say you have a business idea. You wanna start a side hustle, and you think, oh, can this work or not? The answer is either Yes. I'm sure it will work, which you're probably not gonna come up with with a yes because there's no way for you to know ahead of time whether it will work or not. So the default answer is probably gonna be, not sure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:32]:
No. Instead, we wanna change this question with how can I make this work? So instead of trying to Predict the future. Your brain's just gonna get really creative as to how you can make this idea even better. So if if you also ask yourself the question, is this a good idea or not? Also reframe it with the question, how could I make this idea even better, and then start getting out there and testing it. Otherwise, what you're doing when you're asking yourself, can this work or not or is this a Good idea or not is you expect certainty before taking action, which is just not possible. Think about, Netflix. When Netflix started, they were sending people DVDs in the mail, And a lot of people thought it was a really bad idea, and it was not the best idea. It was not what It's become now, but it had to go through many different iterations, many different prototypes in order to get to where it is today.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:43]:
Another reason why the the question can this work or not is a crappy one is that your answer is gonna be informed by the past, By what you have done in the past or by what has been done in the past. Let's say you attended a, singing contest in the past, and it didn't go well. Then if you hear about another singing contest, You might think, well, I'm I'm interested to sign up, but is this a good idea or not? Not really. Think about how it went last time. It was embarrassing. Well, then you're just assuming that your future your past is going to repeat in the future, but that's not necessarily the case. That is a fixed mindset, when instead you could decide to approach this next contest differently to Ask yourself, okay. How can I make it worthwhile? I might not win.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:38]:
I it might be embarrassing again, but maybe I can learn something from this. Maybe I can just have fun. Maybe I cannot put myself so much pressure. There's this movie on Netflix called Naiad that I watched with my sister a few days ago. It's really good about this woman. It's based on a true story who, when she was, I think, 65 years old, she swam from Cuba to Key West in Florida. It's 60 hours of swimming straight. It sounds inhumane, completely, like, scientifically impossible.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:19]:
And that's what everyone told her that she was not that was not a thing. And she believed deep deep down in her heart that she could do it, and she decided to prove everyone wrong. She failed many times. People thought she was delusional. And eventually, guess what? She succeeded. And no one thought she would. Only herself. She had the conviction.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:47]:
And I think that's So beautiful and so courageous. She didn't ask herself, can this work or not? She asked herself, how can I make this work? I personally believe, and it might be esoteric, I don't care, that if you have a desire in your heart that keeps coming back like a steady drip, it's because you're meant to pursue it, not to ignore it, not to find all the reasons Why it's delusional? I think being delusional is necessary. I had to be delusional in order to create the life that I have now, In order to work, like, what? These days, I work maximum 25 hours a week. I can travel whenever I want. I can wake up whenever I want. I can work from anywhere in the world. I do what I love. I make huge impact on my clients, and I'm pretty sure most people would have said it was delusional to leave my reliable graphic design career behind to pursue being a life coach on the Internet.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:51]:
But I had this drive in my heart, and I decided I didn't care what people thought that I was gonna try to make it happen. I was gonna try to make it work. I had a vision, and I thought, So what? Let let let's give it a try. Let's give it a real try. I had this this bubble of maybe I could, And then it turned into, actually, I can, and I'm doing it. But most people just piss on their own parade At the very start when the idea is like a tiny little speck, they discard it. So please please please, for the love of you, remain open. Remain curious.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:35]:
Let's look at another binary question. The question, are they the right person? I talked about this last week in the episode about dating, but let's touch on it a little bit again. Instead of asking, are they the right person, which is yes or no, you can ask questions like, What about them is right for me? It's going to lead to a much more helpful answer. Because when you ask, are they the right person, The the answer can only be yes or no. So you're gonna spend time with this person, and it's gonna take you out of the present. You're basically going to categorize what they say and what they do and put put them in the in the box of good versus bad, and it doesn't leave room for nuance. It doesn't leave room for someone to be just a human with qualities and flaws and a bunch of traits that are neutral. A a similar question that might arise Once you've made a decision, let maybe you left your partner, maybe you changed job, maybe you moved country, and you panic and you ask yourself, is it was this the right decision? Again, we're stuck in this idea of right versus wrong, good versus bad.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:55]:
That's not helpful. It's the anxious part of you that's trying to predict the future and trying to avoid experiencing pain in the future Instead of trusting that you can handle whatever is going to happen, Whatever decision you make is gonna lead you down the path where there will be joy and there will be challenge. We falsely believe that if we make a series of good decisions, we're going to avoid hardship, but that is just not true. Consider your past and the story you tell yourself about the decisions that you have made. If you're the kind of person that judges themselves a lot, you might have thoughts like, oh, that was a really bad decision. I made a bunch of bad decisions in the past, and I urge you to rewrite that story. Because then moving forward, you'll want to know before you make any decision if it's right or wrong, and that's just gonna stop you. That's that's gonna paralyze you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:01]:
So look at the decisions you made in the past and look at them as neutral because every decision taught you something, took you somewhere, and you can choose to believe that every decision was worthwhile in its own way. It might not have taken you where you wanted to be, but what if there was a reason for you making these decisions and that you can just get Curious about it instead of apply moral judgment to your past self. If you beat up your past self for the decisions that they made, then it's gonna be very challenging to trust yourself moving forward. So instead of asking, is this the right decision? Ask a more open question like, oh, what's right about this decision? Where could this lead to? What could this teach me? Or this one I love, how can I make this the right decision? I don't know if you've heard the the quote. There are no right decision, only the decision you make right. So what can you do or how can you shift your perspective in order for this decision to become the right one? Oh, mind blowing. Right? That's very counterintuitive because that's not how we've been conditioned. We have been conditioned most of us growing up, there's a right answer, and there's a wrong answer.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:28]:
And we're gonna reward you if you get it right, and we're gonna punish you if you get it wrong. Unless maybe you're Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx. She tells the story of how when she was growing up, her dad would ask her every day at the dinner table, how did you fail today? What are the mistakes that you made today. And she had to have something to share because if she didn't, then it meant that she was not living boldly enough that she was not trying, really, that she was playing it safe. So she was encouraged not to play it safe. She was encouraged to to try new things, but that's not the case for the vast majority of us. And it excuse my French. It fucks us up.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:11]:
It leads to us, living our life with a foot on the brake all the time, and that's just exhausting. And before I move on to the next question, may I suggest that if you're constantly asking yourself, oh, is this the right decision or not? It's probably because you haven't made enough decisions. If you've been stuck going in circles, in a stuck in analysis paralysis, Making the the quote, unquote wrong decision is better than not making any decision at all because whatever you do, as long as you take action, It's going to teach you something. It's gonna give you more data about what works for you and about what to do next. Same thing with, if you if you're wanting to start a business. Stop brainstorming. Stop researching. Just get out there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:00]:
Try things. See see what Spaghetti sticks to the wall. Gotta be willing to feel embarrassed. You gotta be willing to look bad, look like a a beginner, And you gotta be willing to make a fool of yourself. That's what's gonna allow you to to figure it out faster. Okay. And 1 last question I wanna reframe is, am I doing this right? In the last few weeks, I spent way too much time beating myself up, telling myself that I was doing life wrong, focusing on all the ways in which I was doing life wrong. And last night, I decided to sit with my journal and ask myself a question that was super helpful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:44]:
And that question is, what are the things I am doing right? And I know I'm still playing with the idea of right or wrong, and it's not ideal, but Sometimes, you know, we can't jump from 0 to 100, and we've gotta play with our brain. Speak to our brain where it's at. So I asked my brain, okay, brain. What is it that we're actually doing right? And I came up with a giant list. I just couldn't stop. I filled it filled in 2 pages. Your brain is basically like a a toddler. If you don't take care of it, it's gonna grab a knife on the kitchen table, and it's gonna make a mess.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:24]:
That is the equivalent of letting it ponder on yes or no questions like, am I doing this right? It just leads to chaos because we have a negativity bias. We are wired as wild animals to focus on all the ways Things can go wrong unless we intentionally, consciously take the hand of our toddler brain and give it something specific to do. No brain. Don't think about this question. Here's a better question to ponder on instead that's gonna lead to much more creative answers. So that's it for today. I wanna give you homework. So I want you to find a question that you've been asking yourself recently that's a yes or no question and figure out what the more open version of that question is.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:23]:
Open questions start with words like what, like how, Like, why? Okay? Try it, and please reach out to me on Instagram, self growth nerds, and let me know What comes up? You might be very surprised as to how it can calm your anxiety down and help you see a different perspective. How it can blow your mind and help you come up with ideas that you had not considered at all. K? Have a beautiful week, and don't forget to book a call with me if you're interested to work together. It's selfgirlnerds.com slash audacity, and I cannot wait to meet you. Okay. Bye, everyone. Lots of love. Hey.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:14]:
If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together either on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they who've needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.