Episode 152 - Become a Clear, Calm & Confident Inner Leader
Are you yearning to overcome struggles like perfectionism, laziness, or addiction? Join me for an exploration of Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz. Discover how IFS can transform your relationship with yourself by acknowledging and understanding all aspects of who you are. Learn how to replace inner conflict with self-compassion, reclaiming your power and reconnecting with your joyful, playful self. Tune in now to start your journey of healing and self-discovery with IFS.
Topics
Introduction to Internal Family System (IFS) and its therapeutic model.
Explanation of the concept of "parts" within oneself.
Description of the three categories of parts: exiles, managers, and firefighters.
Importance of self-awareness in identifying and understanding inner parts.
Links
👉 Ready to start 2024 boldly? Book a Discovery Call!👈
Resources
📚 Book: No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwartz
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I am good. I'm just back from the holidays and so happy to be back at work.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:50]:
I had my 1st few sessions yesterday, and I just feel so purposeful after sitting with a client and helping them Feel at peace and feel clear about where they're going. It is so healing for me as Self. So I'm glad to be back. The the holidays were good and overwhelming all at once. I think that's the case for many of us. There was way too many social gatherings. Eventually, I will learn from this, and I would understand that that's too much for me. But that's okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:24]:
We're on the other side now, and I will share that my favorite moments were All the afternoons, I spent reading on the sofa in the living room and playing ticket to ride legacy with my parents and sister. It was our gift from my sister and I to our parents because they were obsessed with the board game Ticket to Ride during the pandemic, So we bought them the legacy version. Legacy board games are board games that evolve the more you play them. So there's 12 sessions in this one. And every time you add a piece to the board, you add new cards, you add new rules, and it's super fun. It's Super mysterious every time to discover the new dynamics that are going to be added. My parents loved it, and we were just addicted. So that was a lot of fun, and I definitely recommend it if your family enjoys board games.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:23]:
Now today, I wanna tell you about one of the books I read during the holidays that I know is going to change my life. You know, there's these books you read. 1st, like, half of the book is highlighted. And second, the whole time, I had this inner knowing that this was going to have a massive impact on my life in the same way that I did when I was reading Cara Quinn's memoir, Thru Hiking Will Break Your Heart. When I was reading about thru hiking, part of me was like, woah. This This is not going to be something I easily forget. This is going to change my trajectory. And I felt the same way about the book No Bad Parts by doctor Richard c Schwartz.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:11]:
This book had been on my reading list for a very long time. I knew it was going to be important. I guess I was not ready yet. It's about the therapeutic model that Richard Schwartz invented called internal family system. It's IFS for short. The way I would explain this is that we are all made of multiple parts, that we all have subpersonalities, that we don't have just one way of thinking and feeling, but different ones that often contradict each other. And we also have the self. The self is the part of us that has the, ability to see the parts and ensure that they They all work together in the same direction.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:02]:
It has, in other words, the ability to to be the parent to all of these young parts if it takes on that role. Because what often happens is that We are going to blend with our parts, and that's something that Richard talks about in the book. Some parts of us are going to take over and lead our lives. We've all been in the situation where we wanted to do something and then fear took the wheel and decided we were not going to and sabotaged what we wanted in some way. The idea with IFS is that, like the title of the book says, There are no bad parts. There's just a bunch of parts that we wanna get to know and ensure that we are collaborating, that there's no, internal conflicts or parts of us that feel unseen or that feel rejected. Harmony is going to come from all the parts of you feeling like they have an important role and they matter and they are recognized. Same goes in any form of systems, in an organization, in a country, in the world at large.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:18]:
Whenever there are people that feel pushed aside, that feel misunderstood, there will be rebellion. There will be conflict. And so that's, a way to to create peace internally that is going to help you move through the world in a way that also helps create peace externally. So to me, IFS is just a different way to visualize what is explained differently in other therapeutic approaches. But that one, IFS, just matches the way I experience life, and it might match the way you experience your life as well. I'll give you an example. The 1st time I went to see a therapist, it was because when I was PMS ing, I had this part of me that was really mean, and I was struggling to manage it. So a a trick that my aunt had given me, who is a counselor, is put some distance between You and that voice.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:25]:
Give it a name. So I gave that mean part of me a name. I think back then, it was Linda. Yeah. It was something along those lines. And so I went to see my 1st therapist, and then I told her about this mean part of me whom I called Linda. And she looked at me weird, and then she she sent me an email after our session in telling me to go see a doctor. She probably thought I had schizophrenia or something like that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:55]:
I'm not sure. Multiple personality disorder, which by the way is now called dissociative identity disorder. And in the book, he talks about how that may seem similar to IFS, and it is in a way. But what Richard Schwartz writes in the book is, quote, the only difference is that they suffered horrible abuse, and their System of parts got blown apart more than most, so each part stands out in bolder relief relief relief. Not sure how you pronounce that Nerds, and is more polarized and disconnected from the others. Anyway, that first therapist probably thought I Had a more serious diagnosis, but I in intuitively understood that that was not the case, that it was just, my way of helping me understand what was going on internally. And then a year ago or 2 years, I I was during the pandemic, I signed up or an IFS session with an IFS therapist and loved it. It felt different from any therapy I'd experienced before.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:02]:
It felt like a a dungeons and dragons adventure in my mind. So she had me close my eyes, and We went on a a path and met different characters inside of me. There was a fairy. There was a, an old tree. It felt very magical, and I've stayed with the this experience for a long time. And I'm not saying that other IFS therapists have the same approach. I'm sure some of them are more Pragmatic than she was, but I really resonated with the idea of conversing with Different parts of me and hearing what they had to say. It's also, similar to The way I love to work with my clients when, they come in and they feel super scattered, one of the exercises that I have developed over time is what I call the me the meeting room exercise.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:07]:
So I Growth my whiteboard and I draw a meeting table and have them instead of you know, when when you're like, oh, there's this, there's this, there's when you have many different thoughts and feelings guarding one aspect of your life. I have them separate the different thoughts and the different feelings into characters, And I tell them that they're the the leader. They're the boss, and there's all of these employees around the table that have a voice. And often what is going on is that there's no leader. The leader is absent, And all the different parts of you are just shouting over each other, interrupting each other, and it makes you feel, dizzy. Makes you feel overwhelmed. So what I do with my clients is, okay, what are the different parts of you? What are they saying? And what's your relationship with them? Because let's say, you it's January now. Let's say you decided you wanna start a new workout routine, And there was a part of you that is ashamed of the way your body looks.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:15]:
How are you going to respond to that part? Are you going to tell yourself, oh, I should be over this by now. I've done so much work. I can't believe I still struggle with that. Or are you gonna get Curious and compassionate and ask questions to that part of you to see what they might need, what might help them feel better. This makes a massive difference to how you move through your day, the relationship you're going to have with these different parts of you. Let's say there's a part of you that's anxious about money, that's panicky, that is, afraid of running out of money. Are you going to get down to its level and panic with that part of you, or you're going to remain in control like a grounded parent with a toddler who is having a tantrum. So that's a big part of the work that I do, and learning about IFS is going to be a way to deepen that practice.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:19]:
So what I wanna do with you today in this episode is tell you about the 3 different categories of parts so that you can start meeting your different parts and getting to know them. And what you can do after listening to the episode is well, 2 things. 1st, you can get the book because it is amazing if you're into that sort of stuff, if it resonates with you. And, number 2, grab a piece of paper and start mapping the different parts that you got to know during the episode and what their relationship to each other is. You'll better understand as I give you a bunch of examples. So let's dig in. There's 3 categories. The first one is exiles, the second one is managers, and the last one is firefighters.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:10]:
Exiles are often your youngest parts. They used to represent joy, playfulness, wonder until they were put into different roles. Because they are very sensitive parts of us, What happens is they take on extreme beliefs and emotions when they get scared, shamed, hurt, are betrayed. That's what Richard Schwartz calls burdens. So let me give you a very specific example. Let's say you are 4 years old and you get caught in a moment where you would You were giving yourself pleasure. You were masturbating, and someone shamed you. Now that innocent part of you might have taken on the belief in that moment, it is bad for me to feel pleasure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:02]:
Self pleasure equals bad. I am a bad little girl. So this part of you who was lighthearted and curious becomes burdened with this, extreme belief and extreme emotion of shame. Another example is, let's say, You are being adventurous, you're being playful, and you make a mistake or what someone considers to be a mistake, and they get really angry. The belief that you might take on, that that part of you might take on is making mistakes is unforgivable. So a part of you that used to be adventurous becomes burdened with that belief and with the intense emotion of maybe fear, if fear is what they experienced when that other person got really angry. One last example is, let's say, your friends, when you're in primary school Self you, we don't wanna be friends with you anymore. You suck.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:03]:
In that moment, the belief that you might integrate is something along the lines of something is wrong with me. I am unlovable. So that part of you who used to be, full of trust and felt connected becomes burdened with That belief and an emotion of worthlessness or shame. There's this analogy he gives us in the book that I really loved is, let's say, you're walking around, living your life, being yourself, and A part of you upsets someone else. So you learn, okay. This part of me doesn't get me the love that I long for. And so you take off this part of you and you put it in a bag, Then keep moving, and every time you notice that a part of you upsets the people in your life or seems to make you harder to love or harder to take care of. You take off that part of you as if you were a cookie and that was a part of the cookie, and you put it in the bag.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:14]:
All of the parts that seem to make other people uncomfortable or upset, you put it in the bag, hopefully never to be seen again. But, of course, that's not a sustainable solution. These parts of you, they want to come out desperately. And they might try to when you have less control over your Your parts, when you are tired, for example, or maybe when you are scared or shamed in a way that is similar to the original event. So maybe at some point, you're 25 years old, 35 years old, and you, make a mistake or someone points out a little mistake in the the work that you've done, that same intense emotion of fear might come up. That's not proportional to the event in front of you, but that's the the the part of you that you've put in the bag that has been repressed that is coming out. And then what happens is Richard writes in the book, quote, once you have a lot of exiles, you feel far more delicate and the world seems more dangerous because there are so many things and people and situations that could trigger them. This actually brings us to the 2nd category of parts, parts that have put into the roles of protectors and are called managers.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:44]:
Their job is to Ensure that the exiles are not awaken and that they don't come out of the bag. So what they're gonna do is Control your world to avoid triggers as much as possible. They come in all kinds of, shapes and sizes. They can be inner critics, so they're gonna yell at you to try harder and be better in the in the same way that your parents might have done or your teachers might have done in the in the past because they know that if you make a mistake, one of your exiles is going going to come out, and they want to prevent that. So they might also be people pleasers, for example. They might make sure that you look good, that you sound good, that you arrive on time, that you say the right thing because they know that if you disappoint people, that might trigger an exile, and they're working really, really hard every day to avoid that. Managers might also disconnect you from your body, so they might make you fall asleep when you're facing something challenging. They might make You just watch TV for hours or drink alcohol or binge eat.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:58]:
They wanna keep you numb because they know that if you simply tune into your body's sensations, and an exile might come out. And that's not the case for everyone. Everyone is different, and your managers or are going to find ways to protect you that are unique. One of my managers, I see her like secretary. Because when there's an aspect of my life in which I'm scared to make a mistakes, she's going to take a bunch of notes and gather a huge amount of information that she's going to spend hours and hours overanalyzing. When there's something she's working on, she hardly ever takes Any breaks as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. There she is doing her job, working really, really hard. And then there's another kind of manager that He talks about in the book, he says they, quote, don't want us to feel good about ourselves for fear that if we do, we'll take risks and get hurt.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:00]:
They protect us by tearing us apart. They are the self hating parts of bus who will sabotage anything that might make us feel good, end quote. I thought that was fascinating because there are there have been times in my life, and I'm sure you can relate too, where everything's going Self. I'm feeling confident, and I'm on the uphill, and then suddenly, I crash. Guy Endrix in the book, The Big Leak, he talks about upper limits. When you have, a limit to your capacity for goodness. And to me, that's another way to visualize it is parts of you that They're just so afraid of you getting hurt and making a mistakes that they're gonna make you feel bad about yourself even though you haven't done anything wrong, just as a way to prevent that possibility because it believes you cannot deal with the consequences. Because that's the thing.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:00]:
Managers believe that we are still the same age we were when our exiles were burdened, when our exiles were put into the metaphorical bag. So they still believe, okay. If you make a mistake and someone gets angry, you're not going to be able to cope with that, and I need to protect you from these intense feelings. It doesn't understand that we have grown and that we might have Ways to deal with this now that we might have tools that we might not respond in the same way now that we are grown. But until You make it known to your managers that you're an adult now and that they can trust you, that you've got this, Then they're going to keep making you small, and they're gonna keep showing up and keeping you in a place where nothing happens. At the end of the day, though, all they want is a break. All they want is to be liberated, freed up from this hard job so they can do something that they really wanna do. So, some of them might wanna be your cheerleaders.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:10]:
Some of them want might wanna be your advisers. But you can only truly know what they're gonna wanna do once they they they feel secure enough to give up their their protecting job. Now the 3rd category of parts is firefighters. They are also a kind of protector, But they come in when an exile has come out, and they come in to deal with the raging fire. That's why they called firefighters. They will either, quote, get us higher than the flames with some substances or find a way to distract us until the fire burns itself out, end quote. Their job basically is to get get us away from the intense emotions and away from the pain. They're protecting us after the fact.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:00]:
They're like babysitters who don't know how to make the babies stop crying, and they will do anything to make them feel better, but they don't really have, sustainable tools. They just scramble to to find a way to fix the issue quickly. One of my firefighters is a hyperactive doer. If there are feelings that I I intense emotions that I feel rising up, basically an exile that I feel trying to come out of the bag. My firefighter is going to make Make me do a bunch of stuff. Okay? Clean the house, empty the dishwasher, work, work, work. Don't stop because if you stop, then the emotion will take over. There's another one of my firefighters that is just going to make me completely numb.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:46]:
It's going to repress my emotions, lock them in the basement, and I'm gonna seem just I'm just gonna be disassociated. What are your firefighters? And when you ask yourself this question. It it can be challenging because they can be very similar to managers. It's just that they come in at different times. So it requires A lot of self awareness. When you're mapping your different parts, which ones come in when? Try to notice which one is trying to prevent something from happening and which one is reacting to, an exile that has shown its colors. Now firefighters also want holidays. They also wanna do something else that doesn't require as much work from them, but they will only do so, again, when they trust you to take care of your exiles.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:44]:
And what your exiles need, it's different for each of them, but largely, it is what they needed back then that they didn't get from a parental figure or from the from the the people that were taking were supposed to take care of them. This is how they heal. But in order to be able to do that, you have to be in Self, to practice being self led instead of protector led. You know you are self led when you feel calm, when you feel Confident when you feel clear, when you feel creative. Try to think of moments in the past where you felt self led and how notice how it felt in your body versus when you are protector led. What happens is your you blend with a part. So let's say one of your Parts is a hyperactive doer that just wants to drown in work. Then you might blend with that part, and it just takes over.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:54]:
It's driving the whole system. Same goes with the the secretary I was telling you about earlier, the part of me that just Gathers a bunch of in information and over analyzes it. Sometimes it's it just takes over, and it blends with me and our practices in the book that teach you how you can access more self, how you can ask Your parts to give you more space to to step aside a little bit so that yourself can be the one who's driving while being a an attentive, compassionate leader to all of your parts, making sure they feel seen, making sure they feel understood, and that their needs are being met instead of ignored. And what is amazing when you are self led is not only how you feel, but the fact that You're going to see the self in others as well. Your view of others is gonna be different than when you are protector led. When you are protector Nerds. You're going to see the protectors in others, and it creates separation. And god knows we don't need more separation in the world.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:13]:
This is like the, analogy that Tara Brach makes. Our core self is in a space suit. The space suit represents all the the the the protective mechanisms that we have developed over time. And when we're wearing the space suit and we're surrounded by other people in space suits, we don't see the real them. We we see their space suits, and it takes some of us to take off the space suit and give other people the courage to do so as Self, to show their their vulnerability, to show who they really are. And that's why I think this work is so important, So important for you to heal your internal family systems, to heal your relationship with your yourself and all the parts of you so you can show up, in the world in a much more grounded and compassionate way. We wouldn't be living in the world we live in right now if, more of us worked on that. So I encourage you to get the book, no bad parts by Richard Schwartz.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:23]:
There's so much more information in there. And to map your parts or the the the the parts that you have uncovered while listening to this episode. I had a a lot of fun with mine drawing, little faces and symbols for each of them, linking them with arrows, like which one reacts to which and what their relationships are, what are their specific beliefs and traits that they have. I thought it was, re really interesting and helpful to do. Okay. That's it for this week. I hope this was as fascinating for you as it was for me. And please note that I still have a few remaining spots for clients to work with me this January all the way through April.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:13]:
If you're interested, go to self Growth nerds.com/audacity. This is for you if you feel stuck, if you feel confused about where you're going in life. You need a clear direction that's in alignment with your values. Do you wanna be excited when you wake up in the morning? You wanna make an impact. You want to bring your gifts to the world in in a way that feels meaningful. You wanna have deep relationships with the people around you, and you don't wanna be stuck in a Pointless structure that drains your soul. You want to have a more flexible lifestyle that feels fulfilling in which you have space to be creative and playful. If that sounds like where you are and what you need, book a free call with me at self Growth nerds.com/audacity, and we're going to get to know each other.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:14]:
I'll Self you about my work, and we'll explore together if my approach is the right one for you, and you'll be able to make a decision. Okay? Have a beautiful week, everyone, and I will talk to you soon. Bye Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self growth Nerds It's Podcast, and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, You have to check out how we can work together on self growth Nerds or message me on Instagram at self growth Nerds. My clients who say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't Wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.