Episode 160 - Prioritizing Authenticity Over Conformity
Wearing masks that aren't true to our identity is exhausting and can lead to disconnection and self-doubt. In this episode, we explore how to close the gap between our true selves and the image we try to project. I also guide you through two actionable steps to increase your self-acceptance so you can move through life feeling more confident and fulfilled.
Topics
The impact of wearing masks and personas that are not aligned with one's true nature.
Overcoming Societal Expectations.
Self-Improvement vs Self-Acceptance
Two actionable steps for closing the gap between the performative self and the true self.
Links
👉 If you want to own who you are unapologetically, Book a FREE Discovery Call here!👈
Resources:
📙 Book: Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm so happy. I wish I could tell you more about why. Maybe in a future episode, But all I will say is that if I think back to early March last year, I was feeling rough.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:00]:
I, I just looked at my calendar, I note everything on my Google Cal, and a year ago to the day, I went for coffee with a friend of mine, and I remember the scene. Like, the table was alongside a a window. And my friend is a doctor, and she said to me, I worry about you for the last year or so you've been going through pretty intense mood swings. And I didn't know what was going on, or I actually knew, but I was living in denial. I didn't want my truth to be my truth, but there was no way against it. The dam was going to break. I didn't have energy to keep the dam up anymore. Or I did, but I wanted to use that energy differently.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:51]:
So at the end of March last year, I walked away from my relationship of 7 years. And 1 year later, I can tell you that I'm so thankful that I did, and I understand why I needed to do so. And I'll probably record a podcast about this later on. Sometimes, life is pushing you to make a decision that feels awful that you don't wanna do, but for some reason, you feel like there is no other way, you can't explain it rationally, that's because you're not meant to know the why now. You're just meant to act, to surrender to the orders you're receiving from the universe. And you will understand, but later. You just need to trust the inner pull. I believe the the reason why I'm so happy today is because I surrendered to that inner pull.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:56]:
That's what it actually is. It's you're not making a decision. You're surrendering to what you know is true within you. Now this is not the topic of today's episode, although quite related, but I wanted to share because I sense that some of you out there need to hear this right now. So today we are talking about how to close the gap between your authentic self and the image you're trying to project. Because I have found that the wider the gap, the more you will suffer. Basically, the more masks you wear, the heavier it becomes to carry, and the heavier you feel in your heart. I read somewhere in the past that depression is kind of like carrying a facade in front of you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:49]:
You get so tired of carrying that facade that your soul just goes, no. I refuse to keep going. I just wanna stay in bed. I'm tired of you making me carry this facade around. It's exhausting to perform constantly because you're going against your nature. Imagine trying to contain the flow of a river. It would take all of your energy and it wouldn't work so well. Let's go back to when we were teenagers.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:20]:
We can all remember, I'm sure, how we tried different styles and it was just very obvious trying to figure out who we were. Personally, I had a very intense Evanescence era where I would dress in black, I would wear black makeup, and I would, like, take pictures with my friends where I would look at the camera very seriously. It did not match up with my bubbly, silly optimistic personality. It didn't. But I was trying something out, you know. We try on a bunch of personas like outfits and we then choose the one that seems to bring us the most results. And by results here, I mean the most love, the most approval, the highest status, the coolest girlfriend, really depends who you are and what what you're seeking, and then we adopt that persona as our own. But when that persona is miles away from who we are, then that creates problems.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:32]:
When you learn that you have to denature yourself in order to survive, in order to get your needs met. Have you ever seen a, a tree branch going through a metal fence, and it's been there so long that it's merged with the fence. It's really beautiful sometimes and strange at the same time. I kind of hurt for the tree, like, how uncomfortable it must be to have metal wires going through itself. That's kind of what happens with the masks you wear for so long, for years years years. There comes a time where you struggle to find where the mask ends and where your real skin begins. That's what's happening when people come to me and they say I don't know who I am anymore and I have no idea what I want, what would make me happy. That's what's happening when you feel like you're fighting a lot with yourself and everything feels effortful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:38]:
Or when you've simply gone numb because you've practiced disconnecting from yourself so often that the distance has widened and widened between who you present yourself to be and who you are at your core. This makes me think of the movie Get Out when the guy is kind of, like, floating inside himself, and he only sees, like, a small window of what's happening in in his life. Now that's okay, and that's nothing to blame yourself for. We are animals wired to seek belonging. Fitting in used to mean survival. Fitting in equals I stay alive. It has been encoded in our DNA. Now the good news is we are also animals with a highly developed metacognition, meaning that we can see ourselves trying to fit in and interrupt this automatic programming.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:39]:
By doing so, we can close the gap between your performative self and your true self. That's going to reduce tension and make your life so much easier and more fulfilling. In this episode, I'm gonna give you 2 actionable steps to do just that. Okay? Step 1 is, as always, awareness. So like I was telling you earlier, we have all crafted persona in our mind that we believe is most lovable or most likely to give us what we Nerds, based on what we've seen or been told about ourselves or people like us, be it your culture, your race, your gender, And then we scan our true selves to see all the ways in which we don't match up with that persona. That's mostly unconscious. Right? What you wanna do in step 1 is bring that into consciousness. Try to identify what's that persona you might have been striving for and the ways in which you should yourself in order to match up with the image you're trying to project.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:53]:
Take me as an example. The kind of archetype I was aiming for was sweet and smart girl like Rory in Gilmore Girls, I guess. Or same actress, different Growth. Lina in the Sisterhood of the traveling pants. But I was more like Tibby. The, the creative, slightly rebellious, blunt, direct. One that's, that's a little less palatable to the masses. So there were multiple ways I used to should myself to be more like Rory or Lena.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:27]:
I told myself I should love plants. It would make me less shallow, more wholesome, and profound as a person. I should love to cook. It would make me caring and warm. I should love to read intelligent books instead of romance novels and You literature. I should wanna get up early in the morning. When the reality is, I don't wanna have to take care of plants. I think they look good, but I'd rather have plastic ones or be with a partner who's gonna take care of them because that's not gonna be me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:06]:
The same thing with cooking. I don't enjoy cooking. I have no patience. So if I had all the money in the world, I would just hire a chef, I don't know, or just go out to the restaurant or order in. I love to eat healthy, but if if a recipe takes me more than 30 minutes, forget it. Then when it comes to books, I do love to read some smart books. I read psychology books, but I also read spicy novels and cheesy romance. I love the variety.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:42]:
One thing's for sure, I don't care about the classics. You won't find me reading Moby Dick or The Great Gatsby, and I used to feel guilty about that, but I don't subscribe to that sort of guilt anymore. I also used to feel guilty about not being a morning person. I would tell myself I should be a morning person. It would be better if I was. But, I'm not. I just like my sleep. Then, other examples that I hear from clients are I should have my shit together by now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:18]:
Whatever that means. I should have a mortgage. I should be married. I should have figured out my career. I should be happier in a traditional 9 to 5 instead of wanting to start my own thing. What are all the shoulds that you've been carrying around? That if you would check all of these boxes, you would become this person that you think is ideal. You can also, once you've made that list, take stock of all the things you do in order to appear this way and reflect on the energy that it's taking from you. For example, maybe you're saying yes to activities that you don't care about.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:03]:
I remember saying yes to being part of a an environmental book club. I didn't wanna read those books, but I liked the image that it projected. What it said about me. What happens when you do a bunch of things like this that you don't really wanna be doing is your life feels full and empty at the same time. You feel like you're constantly busy, but frustrated because you're not nourishing your soul with what it needs. It's kind of like a plant that's meant to be in the sunlight that we're keeping indoors because it's more convenient. So to summarize, what you've got to do in step 1 is first identify the the persona you're trying to aim for. Give it a name if it helps.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:55]:
Think of a movie character that represents who you think you should be, and then make a list of all the ways that you should yourself in order to be more similar to that character. It's funny when I think about it, because if I was someone who loved plants, who loved to cook, who loved to read the classics, who got up early to do all of these things, then I just wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be me. And what a waste it would be. And it's the same thing for you. You wouldn't be you and we would miss out on your unique essence in this world. Are you willing to consider that your unique essence, who you really are at your core, is enough? That takes us to step 2, which is radical acceptance. There is an incredible book by the author Tara Brack that's called exactly that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:58]:
So go get it if that's something that you struggle with. Because once you've gone through step 1, awareness, and you know who you're the the image you're trying to project. You know who you're trying to be to emulate. There are two directions that I see people go in. The first one is try even even harder to fit into the mold. Try even harder to be that persona. White knuckle your way there. Whip yourself until you get there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:36]:
That's option 1. Option 2 is to accept yourself as you are and to work with that, which doesn't mean you won't grow, but the growth will come from a very different fuel. Many people choose option 1. They use self improvement to try and become who they think they should be. I can smell it right away when people come to me with that goal, and I refuse to enable it. For example, someone's gonna come to me and say, I, okay, Marie. I want you to help me create a morning routine. I want you to help me wake up at 5 and then do this, this, this, this, and that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:16]:
Okay? I think I'm just gonna be a better person if I manage to to to get that done. It's like you're telling me, Marie, make me better. And I reply, no. No. You're already perfect as you are. That's frustrating for a lot of folks, because that's an unfamiliar kind of love. If you grew up with parents or teachers who were always pointing out the ways in which you needed to improve, then that's what you are used to. That's the self talk you have integrated, telling yourself all the ways in which you need to be better.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:50]:
But I bring a very different approach. Like I said earlier, it doesn't mean you won't Growth, But the the fuel will be different. You can either strive from a place of lack, I need to fill this void to be worthy, or you can strive from a solid foundation of self acceptance. There are plenty of coaches out there who are going to push you to do stuff that you hate in order to become stronger, and I'm not one of them. What I do is I coach you into accepting all the parts of you. And, yes, I coach you in pushing yourself, but only in the pursuit of what you deeply desire in your heart. Not in the pursuit of what your ego believes will give you approval, because that to me is not sustainable. That is going to lead to, like, a, a high, but an empty kind of high.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:48]:
What I aim for is nourishing fulfilment. You can go get a burger at McDonald's. It's gonna make you feel full for a little while, or you can actually eat a real meal. That's going to make you feel nourished. It's gonna have a much better impact long term. I think people hesitate to go towards acceptance because they think if they just accept themselves, they're gonna become lazy. They're gonna just sit on the sofa and do nothing. That might be true for a short while, but then you will start wanting to get up and do things again from a place of curiosity and playfulness.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:34]:
Think about kids. Kids aren't lazy. Kids are explorers. Until they start being pressured by by grown ups, being told you should do this, you should do that, that's when Nerds some some kids become lazy. When when they get the sense that who they are is not enough. That they need to be better for someone else. That they need to be better in order to be loved. And what we perceive as laziness is just the internalized shame that just feels heavy and doesn't make you wanna show up because the bar is so high.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:15]:
You're being asked to to pretend to be someone that you're not. That's not that's not a recipe for wanting to show up energetically. Right? So, yes, if you choose to accept yourself as you are, there might be a moment where you need to rest to recuperate from all the pressure that you've put on yourself. But then trust that once you've rested, you will start getting stuff done again, but the stuff that you wanna do from your heart. And you can get just as far in your life that way. The first approach where you should yourself all day is equivalent to taking the highway to get to a destination because you're in a hurry. If I don't love myself unless I wake up at 5 AM and make a million, then I should get there as fast as possible. Right? I should take shortcuts.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:12]:
I should spend my weekends working instead of enjoying time with people I love. This makes me think of a book I read by Grant Cardone called Self or be sold. There was some good advice in there, but there was also this awful awful, piece of advice about how you should spend all of of your lunch breaks with people that will potentially buy stuff from you. To me, that's not a a way to live your life. I mean, he can do whatever he wants, but I it just gave me shivers. The other approach, the self acceptance approach, is equivalent to taking the scenic route to get to the destination. You already love Self. You already accept Self, so there's no need to rush.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:01]:
You might actually think, oh, I would really love to make a $1,000,000 because I want a house in the woods or because I wanna buy a farm, or because I wanna take my family on the holiday, I want to pay, for my children's education, whatever it is. But notice how it comes from a different place. It doesn't come from a place of I need to reach that goal in order to be worthy. It's more like, oh, I would really like to to reach that goal because it would enrich my life. Literally and metaphorically. You might decide though along the way that you don't really need to get get to that destination, because you've found something else along the way. A few years back, I had to do the work of learning to love myself no matter what time I woke up at in the morning, because I used to make it mean all these awful things about myself. And it would it would kind of ruin my day when I woke up later than I wanted to because of this self talk.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:07]:
But when I managed to get to a point where I felt neutral about the the time I woke up at, then I was able to just make a decision. To ask myself, okay, well, what do I wanna do? What time do I wanna wake up at? Is it important for me to wake up at 5? Not coming from a place of lack, not coming from a place of I need to be a better human, coming from a place of genuine curiosity about what what would feel fulfilling for me. And from there I decided, you know what? No. Actually, I like to wake up without an alarm and start my day slow. I'd rather do that and finish later. That works better for my personal rhythm. Notice how when there is no shame, it frees you up to make a decision that's aligned with your values instead of a decision that's aligned with some sort of social conformity, what looks better from the outside. So what you're going to do here, you're going to get your journal out, and you're going to write down a list of everything you would prefer to hide about yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:21]:
And then at the end of all these things, you're gonna add, and that's okay. So for example, I love to read cheesy romance novels, and that's okay. I lost my job, and that's okay. I take medication for my mental health, and that's okay. I watch reality TV, and that's okay, which actually makes me think about Love is Blind. I watched, a few episodes of the new series with a friend of mine, and there was this awful scene in which one of the participants, a woman, tells the the guy on the other side in the other pod for those of you who don't know Love is Blind, people aren't dating each other, but they're in 2 different pods and they don't see each other, hence the title. And so this woman tells the guy that she has been married in the past, that she's divorced, and he's super awkward. He he doesn't like that about her at all, and she feels super ashamed.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:26]:
I was like, what? So, she suddenly has less value in your eyes because she has been married before? Because she has loved someone else before? How ridiculous is that? So let's say that is your situation and you feel shame about being divorced because that's what the the the culture has programmed into you, you would write, I am divorced, and that's totally okay. Same thing if you're single since, apparently single people also seem to have less value in this culture, then you would write I am single, and that is okay. If the shame is related to your age, for example, I am single and 40 years old and that's okay. I am asexual, and that's okay. I'm throwing a bunch of examples at you. Really make a list. And the ones that feel the most uncomfortable are the areas where you have internalized the most shame. You might feel nervous about writing those statements down because your primitive brain has been programmed to believe that these things will lead to rejection or abandonment.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:40]:
So it literally feels like death to your system, to your nervous system. You might even feel annoyed with me like how dare she tell me that it's okay to be this way. It's not. If you've been working hard to try and improve, if you've been consuming a lot of personal growth content, trying to make yourself better, then that kind of exercise might feel counter intuitive. That's because your ego is trying so hard to protect you and the way it's been doing so is by making sure you don't let your guard down until you're perfect. And I'm telling you to do the exact opposite, so it feels unsafe just because it's unfamiliar. But to me, that is the way to healing. All the parts of you that you have been told by the culture should be hidden, you're standing up for Self, you're rebelling against the culture and you're you're saying this belongs.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:41]:
All the parts of me belong. This is a rewiring of the way you relate to yourself, and I wholeheartedly believe that in the long run, it's what's going to ensure you enjoy your life. Because if your focus is, always on always you need to be better, it's kind of like going to a job where the boss is never quite satisfied with the work you have done the day before and always focused on what you have not done yet, always telling you you should do more, you should be more, you should be better, it doesn't make you wanna show up. So having this toxic boss inside your mind doesn't make you wanna show up to life and be present. Okay. After you have done your list, the next thing to do is find places and people with whom you can practice owning those things. People for whom it's completely normal. This is important because you need to build evidence that it's safe to be you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:49]:
It's not enough to just write down on paper that all these parts of you are okay. You actually need to see it in action. You need to see it reflected back to you by other people. Let's say you're a woman who has decided not to have children. You might feel shame about that because that's one thing that's glorified in society. Now, if you're surrounded only by mom friends, that's not going to be helpful. You also need to hang out with people who have made the same empowered decision to feel like that's okay. Let's say you're an artist and you want to make a lot of money with your art.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:32]:
You might feel shame about that if you've been hanging out in communities with other struggling artists who look down on people who are doing well for themselves. I've seen that for sure. Now if that's you, you need to surround yourself with other artists who have similar ambitions in order not to feel like the odd one out. Another example that comes to mind is if you're a man who is super sensitive and you want to develop that part of you because you believe it's important, but you're surrounded by a bunch of bros, it's not going to help. You're going to run into a wall every time you mention your feelings and you try to be vulnerable. So you need to find other men who are wanting to open their heart and focus on their personal growth. Finding your people is essential, I would say, to self acceptance, and yes it might mean that you have to leave your house, get out of your comfort zone. It's going to be totally worth it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:42]:
You can also start by trying to find these people online, in forums, on Reddit, on Discord, in YouTube channels, whatever it is, Facebook groups, and then go from there. It can also be very helpful to work with a coach if you feel like they embody what you struggle to own about yourself. I was talking with someone on a discovery call the other day about how they wanna come out as nonmonogamous. They want to change career and start their own thing, but they're really scared. And then they decided to work together. And what they said is it feels so hopeful to hear that another way is possible when you've been surrounded by people who don't believe that. That person was telling me that they've been feeling discouraged for years, like they couldn't get out of the hole, but that's just because they didn't have an a different perspective. The perspective that someone like me could give them because I've gone through those steps, because I've expanded already in the way that they want to expand.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:00]:
I have unshamed the parts of me that they still struggle to embrace. So if you're also tired of trying to fit into a mold that doesn't let you breathe, if you're tired of pushing to be someone that you're not and you really want to own who you are unapologetically, book a discovery call with me. It's at self Growth nerds.com/audacity. We're gonna get to know each other. I'm gonna ask you a lot about where you are, about where you wanna be, and how my 3 part framework can help you. And then you can decide. Then you have once you have all the information, you can make a decision about what's best for you. But this work could very well change your life, so if you're feeling called to book a call, just go do it now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:56]:
Selfgrowthnerds.com/audacity. No strings attached. You'll definitely know at the end of the call based on how you feel if that is right for you. Quick recap of today's episode. We talked about how to close the gap between your authentic self and the image you're trying to project, because the wider that gap, the more you're going to suffer. So the first step we talked about is awareness. Knowing who it is that you're trying to be. What's the image you're trying to project that you think is gonna get you what you need? Whether that's love, approval, status.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:42]:
You've got to be really aware of that and the ways in which it drains your energy to try and aim to be that character instead of just being who you really are deep down. Then step 2 is radical acceptance. So getting curious about the parts of you that you struggle to embrace and making peace with them instead of trying to kick them to the curb. Welcoming them to the party, and finding other people who actually love these parts of you. That, my friends, is the work, and I promise it's going to bring a much greater sense of peace, fulfillment, and love in your daily life. Okay. I wish you a beautiful week, and I will talk to you soon. Bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:44]:
Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com Nerds message me on Instagram at self Growth Nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now and I cannot wait to meet you.